Yo-tan's Laws for Seduction
by Ray-Chan
Summary: Yohji gets his own TV show! He'll teach us all how to seduce anyone and anything! Tune in!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: Charas not mine

Disclaimer: Charas not mine. Situation is. The song Yohij sings in "What's Your Fantasy" by Ludacris. TV studio is mine. (I'm renting it out real cheep, too!) Yohji's leather is mine too! ::drools::

WARNING: insanity! HUMOR. YAOI…..um…I don't think any lemon or lime, but we'll see in the later parts, ne?

(NOTE: I just didn't feel like finishing this ficcie all at once. The parts are labeled A, B, …ext… because once it is done, I will join the parts together to get the full story. Don't hate me. If you have any hentai ideas, I'd love to hear them. Maybe I'll even be able to use them! Send ideas. [raychan_4quatre@yahoo.com][1] )

Yo-tan's Laws for Seduction (Part A)

Ray-Chan: Ohayo mina-san! ^_~. Get ready to be seduced, cuz here comes the Lord of Lube! The Sultan of Smut! The…

Audience: GET TO THE POINT!!!

Ray-Chan: All right! All right! He'll knock your socks and get 'em whiter! Heeeeeeeeere's YO-TAN!!!!!!!!

(Audience screams wildly)

(Yohji walks onstage in leather pants, sleeveless jacket and knee high bitch boots.)

Yohji: ::wielding a leather riding crop:: Hi there folks! ::waggles eyebrows at screaming audience:: Welcome to "Yo-tan's Laws for Seduction!" The show where I put the moves on anything that breathes! ::waggles eyebrows::

(One voice is heard above all others in the audience)

???: Seduce me, Yo-tan!!! I wanna be seduced!

Yohji: ::smooth sultry smile:: You have to wait your turn, Omi. Don't worry. There's enough lovin' to go around. ::sways his hips erotically::

(More audience screams. Security makes rounds through the stands dragging unconscious bodies from their seats to make room for more Yo-tan worshippers.)

Yohji: Well, let's get started. This first move is one of my favorites. ::grins:: But to demonstrate, we need the perfect uke. Hey, Aya! Get in here!

(Aya walks in with a scowl, ignoring the screaming hentai fans.)

Aya: What the hell do you want?

Yohji: ::ignores Aya turning back to the audience:: Now Aya here is going to act as our ideal uke while I demonstrate—

Aya: NANI!?!?!? I am NOT and UKE!!! Drag Omi's scrawny ass up here.

Omi: ::from audience:: I'll do it! I'll go! Seduce me, Yo-tan! ::drools::

Yohji: ::ignoring him:: Now this move on ole Aya is one of my specialties. Really helpful for calmin' down yo bitch when it's that time of the month and she's suffering from massive PMS.

Aya: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU IMPLYING?!?!?!

( Yohji grabs Aya around the waist and pulls him into a crushing hug)

Yohji: You gotta "woo" them with the sweet words of love! ::singing off key:: "However you want it lover, lover gonna tap that ass soon! See I cast 'em and outlast 'em and I past 'em get a tight grip and I grasp 'em! I flash 'em, and if it ain't good then I trash 'em while you stash 'em! I'll let 'em free, and they tell me what they fantasy! Like up on the roof roof, tell yo boyfriend not to be mad at me!!!"

Aya: O,O;; …Oh…..my……GOD!!! ::struggling to pull away::

Yohji: ::still singing:: "How 'bout on the beach with black sand? Lick up your thighs and call me Pac Man. Table top, or just give me a lap dance!" ::waggles his eyebrows suggestively at Aya::

Aya: Noooooo! No! No! NOOOOOO!!!!!! AARGH! HENTAI!!!

Yohji: Ya know it, baby! ::grinds hips against Aya's and squeezes said man's ass::

Omi: (from audience) I'll give you a lap dance, Yo-tan!

Yohji: ::singing…(or trying to…):: "In the back row at the movie, you can scratch my back and rule me! You can push me or just pull me. On hay in middle of the barn (WOO!) rose petals on silk sheets, uh! Eating fresh fruit, sweep yo man right off his feet!"

(Audience mega drools as Yo-tan begins dancing with a very unwilling Aya.)

Yohji: Now you add the kick for the grand finale! ::singing like there's no tomorrow:: "I wanna get you in the back seat, windows up! That's the way you like to fuck, fog up, all alert! Rip the pants and rip the shirt! ::Rips off Aya's clothes leaving out kawaii bishounen dressed only in his Pikachu boxers, blushing as red as his hair::

Aya: Y-Y-YOHJI!!!!

Audience: ::chanting:: GO YO-TAN! GO YO-TAN! GO! GO! GO YO-TAN!!!

Yohji: ::waggles eyebrows at yaoi freak audience:: ::singing:: "Rough sex! Make it hurt! In the garden! In the dirt!"

Aya: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!! ::chibifies and slips away from Yo-tan::

(Yo-tan gets evil gleam in his eyes before sprouting twin pointy ears and cute little whiskers and tail. He grins showing sharp rows of teeth. Kitsune Yohji chases Chibi Aya on all fours howling insanely)

Kitsune Yohji: ::pulls out leather riding crop and silver plated handcuffs:: ::singing:: "What 'bout the candy 'sto?!? That chocolate, chocolate make it melt! Whips and chains! Handcuffs! Smack a little booty up with my belt!!!!!"

(Kitsune Yohji jumps into the air and pounces on a fleeing Chibi Aya. Both go tumbling offstage behind the curtain. Sounds of a squealing chibi most likely being violated by horny fox/Yohji.)

Yohji: (from backstage) Grrrrrrr……Go to commercial!

****

~-~-~-~-~ Commercial 1 ~-~-~-~-~

(Short dark-haired boy walks in)

Heero: Hi! I'm Heero Yuy. And you know, as a gundam pilot, I need my space! So when regular shorts just aren't enough, I go for…

(camera zooms in on label)

…"Yuy brand Spandex Space – Platinum!" ::grins:: The ONLY way I transport my gundam!

(Reaches into his spandex and pulls out Wing Gundam)

Heero: Get your pair today!!!

???: HEEEEEEEEEERRRRROOOO!!!!!

Heero: What the…? ::peers into spandex:: RELENA!?! What the hell are you doing in there?!?!? Get out!!!

(Violently pulls Relena from his "spandex space")

Relena: ::looking slightly rumpled:: Oi, Heero! You saved me! ::glomps him::

Heero: Ack! Duo!!!

(Deathscythe Gundam flies out of Heero's spandex space and frys Relena like a tater tot.)

Heero: ::smiles at Duo:: Remember that name! "Yuy brand Spandex Space – Platinum!" Get yours now!

****

~-~-~-~-~ Fade Out ~-~-~-~-~

   [1]: mailto:Raychan_4quatre@yahoo.com



	2. Part B

~-~-~-~-~ Commercial ~-~-~-~-~

Disclaimer: Charas not mine. Situation is. TV studio is mine. (I'm renting it out real cheep, too!) Yohji's leather and Ken's "fuck-me" bitch boots are mine too!

WARNING: insanity! HUMOR. YAOI…..um…I don't think any lemon or lime, but we'll see in the later parts, ne?

(NOTE: I just didn't feel like finishing this ficcie all at once. The parts are labeled A, B, …ext… because once it is done, I will join the parts together to get the full story.

Yo-tan's Laws for Seduction (Part B)

****

~-~-~-~-~ Commercial ~-~-~-~-~

(Scene opens in a hospital room…)

(Short dark-haired psycho girl enters with an IV and a bottle of pink stuff.)

Sakura-chan: Heeeeeey! (Bwahaha!) It's me! Your favorite muse! And I'm here to tell ya about this new miracle product…SOBE!!!

( ::cackle, grin, twitch:: )

It makes ya feel like you're on top of the world! …then you wanna jump off!!! (Mwahahahahaaaaa…. ::cough:: )

And now, with my new Sakura-brand specially made portable I.V.'s, you can experience Sobe ANYTIME!!!

(Attaches bottle of pink stuff into an I.V. and presses the "inject" button.)

….Ahhhhhhh…That's the way! No more wasting time with that pesky swallowing and digesting! Now you can inject Sobe DIRECTLY INTO YOUR BODY!!!

( ::evil Heero Yuy cackle:: )

Just call 1-800-SOBE-4-ME…that's 1-800-SOBE-4-ME!!! Well…what the fu-(*bleep*) are you waiting for?! BUY NOW DAMMIT!!!

( ::cackles once more before turning and jumping out the seven story window.:: )

****

~-~-~-~-~ Fade Out ~-~-~-~-~

(( Screen cuts back to Yohji ))

Yohji: ::dressed again but looking slightly disheveled:: Welcome back to "Yo-tan's Laws for Seduction" with me, your host, Yo-tan! ::waggles eyebrows::

(various audience members scream their approval while others just pass out)

Yohji: Now our next guest is wearing a sexy little number I picked out backstage just minutes before the show. ::drooling:: Everyone, please welcome KEN HIDAKA!!!

(Ken walks out shakily in cropped tank top and ass-tight jean shorts. Outfit is completed with white, thigh-high, stiletto "fuck-me" bitch boots.) (Maintenance goes to mop up puddles of drool from the hentai audience.)

Yohji: Mmm….. Oh right. *Ahem* I will now demonstrate lesson number two.

(Ray-Chan lugs out a giant shopping bag full of supplies. Yohji takes the bag…and Ray-Chan's phone number.)

Yohji: ::winks:: Always keep your options open.

Ken: Is that lesson number two?

Yohji: Ken! ::glares at him:: I told you not to talk! Just stand there and try to look sexy. ::faces audience and tosses hair over shoulder with a sultry grin::

(audience melts.)

Ken: ……riiiiight.

Yohji: Know what's in the bag, KenKen?

Ken:…..uh…..Not re-

(Yohji gives death glare. Ken meeps and shuts up, instead just shaking his head 'no'.)

Yohji: ::now smiling kinky Yohji smile:: My own formula for hot lovin'!

(taking out articles as he names them)

Yohji: One bag M&Ms…. One pound mini marshmallows….Two dozen large strawberries….and a quart of mixed vodka and peach schnapps! ::takes a drink:: ::coughs and eyes water:: That's good shit!

(audience sweatdrops)

Ken: Um…I think I'll pass….

(Yohji takes another drink……then grabs Ken, giving him a sloppy openmouthed kiss.)

Ken: ::choking and collapses to the floor:: Ungg….(::pupils dialating::) …whoooooo~. …Mmm…..

Yohji: (::unzipping Ken's pant's::) Oh..we'll take a quick commercial break now while I viola-…er…. "teach" Ken. ::waggles eyebrows and grabs the marshmallows::

****

~-~-~-~-~ Commercial ~-~-~-~-~

(Scene open with the four Schwarz bishounen! …all wearing inflatable biceps and tiny tank tops? ::sweatdrop:: )

(Schwarz guys reach off camera and pull in Quatre Raberba Winner.)

Nagi: ::in a fake deep voice:: 'ELLO!!!

Schuldich: We are the "Schwarz-inegers"!!!

All: AND WE'RE HERE TO ( ::pound chests:: ) PUMP YOU UP!!!

Quatre: ::sweatdrop:: …um…I'll be going now.

(Tries to run away but is stopped by a mega-masculine Farfie grabbing the collar of his pretty-boy pink shirt.)

Crawford: Not so fast, girly-boy!

Farfie: ::evil grin:: We're going to pump you up you little puke!

Quatre: O,O …um. Help?

Schuldich: Yes, "help", little he-she! 'Cause we are going to…

All: ( ::pound chests:: ) PUMP YOU UP!!!!!

Quatre: NOOooooo…. ::whining:: Gu~ys!!!

Duo: (From offstage) Uh..sorry, Q-man. You're on your own.

(G-Boys run away screaming like little girls.)

Quatre: ::pouts:: Not fair.

Schuldich: ::grinning kinky Schuldich grin:: Yes, little man! We will "pump" up your little girly LIBIDO!!!

Quatre: Um…really? Well….that sounds okay.

Crawford: ::holds up bottle:: Thanks to our miracle drug…VIAGRA!!!!!

Quatre: O,O Uh oh.

(Tries to escape but bulky Schwarz-inegers hold him down as they empty the bottle of Viagra into his mouth.)

Quatre: Unggg……ooooooohh…..!!!

( ::grins evil sex-a-holic grin at Trowa who is trying to hide offstage::)

Quatre: ::rips off his girly pink shirt:: I'M HOT! I'M HORNY! AND I WANT SOME ACTION NOW!!!!!!

(Trowa pales and runs away with a horny half-naked Quatre following close behind, energy driven on by his now super libido.)

Farfie: ::still grinning:: That's it folks! VIAGRA! It's good to…

All: PUMP ( ::pound chests:: ) YOU UP!!!!

Nagi: Get yours now!

Schuldich: ::shoving his tongue down Crawford's throat:: Unnng…Don't delay! Get some ass today!!!

****

~-~-~-~-~ Fade Out ~-~-~-~-~


End file.
